Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Dont Pity Me and the life I have lived, but learn and grown from it as I have :)

"Old Friends & Old Playgrounds" I first learned this saying while I was at Valley Hope(the treatment center that I attended)...i know that the saying well not the saying its self but the meaning of the saying has helped me the most. I have to keep reminding myself of it constantly...at first in my sobriety i did an amazing job of cutting all ties with my past and starting over but then as time has passed its been two years i have slowly started to run into the people from my past one by one; and just have to remember that there is a reason there in my past, and have to make myself remember what kind of me that they brought out in me.
I guess before I can start talking about whats helping me in treatment I need to remind myself of what kind of HELL that I have came from; to remind myself that if I fail its not only me failing i will let down everyone and my past could easily become my present again.
In highschool I was a pretty good student got descent grades and well just say that I was not the worst kid in the school. Anyways I made a few friends and never really got into anything to deep drug and alcohol wise...I experimented with pot and i drank at the ocasional party, but nothing life shattering. I went to church on the holidays and sometimes on a sunday with my dad but rarely never really went unless I felt like I had to or I would make someone upset. All through highschool I spent the entire time just trying to get it finished and get out. My senior year wow...ummm I moved out, stopped talking to my mom for about a year because of the way i deceitfully moved out, got pregnant-had a miscarriage, graduated, had a FT job and was taking night classes--was in a horrible relationship and in that relationship tried meth for the first time. I honestly thought No biggy only was doing it on some weekends. We had a rule never do it for more than one day in a row we only did it to party; and we wouldnt do it every weekend.  I got out of that relationship a year later when I moved in a female friend of mine, the drugs werent as heavy but we lived in a house together over the summer it was nothing but PARTY, PARTY, PARTY the only real access I had to any sort of drugs was pot again and never really was a huge fan, but then I found out that I could get adderall- something I had no idea about. I started takeing those one at a time, and then about 6-8 a day (when if you know anything about adderall you take one aday just saying).So i was then drinking and taking adderall- without a job, dropped out of night classes, no healthy relationships around me what so ever, still not a whole lot of family interaction and didnt really care we were partying everyday everynight all the time. I think that I can honestly say that I was drunk and high the entire summer. The summer shortly ended we both got evicted from the house for excessive partying and the cops being at the house to many time and damages done to the property, but it didnt matter i soon found a relationship, another failed relationship but no drugs constantly but lots of drinking, lots and lots of drinking and doing a bit of adderall on the side, in this relationship we would break up constantly so I would do adderall and doing meth heavily to pass the time when we werent together. My dealer was a friend of mine that no one knew about bascially, older person; that I could call on whenever I needed to for dope or anything illegal. So since no one knew my friendship with this person it was easy to hide no one had a clue.That relationship ended shortly later and then I began stripping for money, for shelter, drugs, alcohol and anything else that I needed; and then shortly after I met the biggest mistake of my life- this guy was the con of all cons nice and sweet when in actuality he was nothing but a meth and cocaine abuser and then oh wait there was his love for crack, but wait i forgot to tell you he was a raging alcoholic as well. We werent together for very long but when we were that just put gasoline on the fire of my addiction and adictive behaviors. At first I was not doing anything but drinking heavily in this relationship to mask my pain and then found out he was cheating on me constantly and was out for days and nights at a time and then began the phsyical beatings- he would cheat and be out all night and I would get upset and I would yell and cry and tell him I didnt need this and that i would leave if he wouldnt careful and then I would get my ass beat. Then I found out what he was doing and it was either partake in this behavior or move on and of course me being me at the time trying to fix everyone and make everyone else happy i decided to partake. I then began framiliar with the only doing it on  the weekends and never two days in a row rule came back in to my life and that stayed for a good few months.  But then he went to jail for a few weeks and my addiction was hungry, I had no money for anything no food, no gas to get anywhere nothing, I couldnt even pay rent.  I was then in no time robbing people, stealing, getting into physical altercations; and then realized that I didnt need him anymore and started browsing my old friendships looking for my next high, nothing sexual just make them think that they had a chance so i could use them for everything they had. The con then got out of jail and then I found out that I was pregnant. In telling him that I was pregnant I have never seen anyone run faster. Then it was me living in an apartment wih no food, no furniture nothing to my name but my clothes, I literally had nothing. I got evicted.(information on that preg will come later when im ready to talk about it) sorry!!!Then things got the worst (i know that your thinking worse damn how much worse could it be) oh but it does. The con artist/drug abuser ended up going to jail again...I then met the con artists cousin now I honestly think that he was the devil in disquise everything in my entire life that I swore that I would  never do ever, I did- either guilted into, forced to do because if not i had consquences.Every relationship that I have been in has been phsically abusive but in this relationship that I was in I was in constant fear of my life. He had killed people, been to prison many times for many things  ranging from drug trafficing, posession,domestic battery and attempted murder .The word crazy does not explain him- at one point in time he told me that if I left him he would (grabbing my 6 week old puppy) held a screw driver into its temple and said i will shove this thru his f*******head if you take another step, and then my puppy was thrown across the rv we were living in and I was shoved to the ground and then peed on. PAUSING- I need to clarify something or acutally I guess I feel like something needs to be said. Most of this that you will read about in on certain topics has only been told to maybe one other person in my life and some of it are secrets that I have never told anyone but I feel that if I keep holding it in that I will never give my self a chance to heal.Something that is kind of sick about the people that Im talking about up above instead of spitting on them and curseing there name I think that if I ever saw them again I would do nothing more but than thank them. They made me the person that I am today, and by going thru what I have I know what Im willing to put up and what I wont, and how to go about getting away from the situations I dont want to be in and I also now know the warning signs. Dont pity me in hearing about my life, i put myself in everyone of the situations that your hearing about and will continue to hear more of, I chose to live daily in this life, In some situations I could of left and chose not to. So dont pity me and my past, instead learn from it.
Any who back to where I was, this man eventually went back to prison- but before he went back to prison him and his cousin made a decision that would change my life as I knew it forever(get to that on a later time when I feel strong enough to talk about it) he went back to prison for a short time less than a year actally and today both of these men are out on the streets does that not make you feel safe :( (gotta love the justice system) but then I hit Meth and Aderall hard I was having no problem starting and finshing an 8 ball on my own in nothing more than a few hours- before I had went from 6-8 adderall at a time a few years back to 25-38 at a time, in any form I could get them, sometimes I would snort it, smoke it, inject it it did not matter, I lived it, breathed it and filled my arms with it. Its what I had to have to survive, to over come what I had been thru when I felt like nothing else would suffice. Exactly 29 days later is when I volunarily admitted myself in to Valley Hope, but I had to hit rock bottom first, I found myself with out eating or any sleep for 29 days, i was up at the local jail visiting one of the con artist cousins when I found my self barfoot, starving, craving my next fix with nothing but the clothes on my back I had no place to go I was living on the streets. I then called my mom after realizing it was time and told her that I needed help, I needed rehab she was like what she had knew something was going on but not to the extent that it was and then wthin 24 hours i was admitted to Valley hope for there 30 day impatient program.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I could not be more proud than to say I am your Aunt.. I love you and I want you to always do well in your life. Keep your faith in God, Hope in your heart, and Knowledge that you are a strong Woman that can Conquer this... And Always remember... You got that best gift God can bestow..... Love him like no other.... Love you...