Friday, December 9, 2011

Asking for help....

Im going to get a little bit off topic of addiction and I actually want/need to vent about somethings. I am a stay at home mother and most of my friends are not mothers so I guess I can give them a bit of a break and for those of you who dont even live here this obviously does not pertain to you either.  But being a stay at home mother is a full time job I dont care what anyone wants to say it is regardless of the age of your child. And I get absolutely no break jeffrey is an amazing dad so dont get me wrong in what im saying i could not ask for  a better father to my child. But I litterally get no break i shower with cash, i go to the bathroom with cash i have to eat with cash i get no me time. I never leave this house unless it is to go to walmart or to a drs apt. And I ask these so called friends of mine like i said im venting so hold on tight....I ask my friends if they can even come over for one hour you know so i can shower alone and of course not they  are to busy and they are to busy everyday but then can post on facebook im so bored or sitting here watching not saying im selfish enough that i want you to have no life but dont you for one second call your self my friend when you cant take two seconds out of your life when your friend desperately needs some help. and some of you might be thinking well its your child and yes i understand that one to but when i actually say word for word in my text do you want to hang out today that means actually hang out i have no human interaction what so ever its me and the baby and chores daily i do nothing else so when you want to bitch about how you went out to eat and oh no your order was wrong or oh no i went shopping today to buy clothes and i had to wait in a long line give me a freaking break. so either step up when your friend is in need of two minutes of sanity or dont call me your friend becuase im tired of bending over backwards hearing about other peoples problems and being there either relationship counselor or any other type of counselor and then you cant give me two minutes of your time...ya not cute just saying

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Valley Hope Baby!!!! :)

I entered voluntarily into Valley Hope Rehabilation Center September 29, 2009. Althought I consider September 30, 2009 as my sobriety date because when I decided that I needed treatment I still had drugs in my system. My mom and I woke up very early the morning of Sept 29th to prepare our selves for almost a two hour trip to this treatment center, I slept most of the way. Once we arrived we were to go to the administration office to check in, we were then to go to the main building where there were people walking around everywhere and hanging out watching tv some looking so happy (almost to happy) and some looking as if they may cry. At first I didnt know what to think I was actually more scared than anyting. After I was checked in I was given a patient number, I was patient number 41243 (which I later on found out that 41243 was how many people they have helped in this facility I was 41,243rd patient that had been admitted). As soon I had gotten checked in I was then given my detox room which is where I would spend the next few days and nights, not like in lock down or anything like that. I could go any place in the treatment center as everyone else could, but this is where I would stay and could go while I was completely getting the drugs out of my system so I could be monitored in case of I was havng issues. Detox wasnt so bad for me which they were pretty surprised figuring how long I was on these drugs and the amount that I was doing right before I was admitted. I was very lucky figuring others were having seizures just after being in detox for one night some had to be hospitalized because they almost died but opposed to me having immediate withdrawls mine dragged on. I had the worse cravings and bad dreams and a lot of insomnia, there would be nights where I would be doing nothing but laying in bed or going into the commons and watching television. After the first few days in detox I was released from detox and I was able to attend all of the activities and classes. First thing in the morning was chapel which was a 630 and then there was breakfast at 730 and then there was lecture which there was a different topic every day which at first i found to be lame but then I actually started going reguarly and actually learned quite a bit about myself. Then small group which was a group of 6-9 people who were in a small counseling like setting which was my favorite because you didnt feel so much like on the spot and you still got a chance to share and you discussed issues that were important and could give your imput to each person just seemed more personable than lecture but not quite as on the spot as the couseling session that we had after lunch. Meals at Valley Hope were not bad they were actually pretty good they just put gravy on everything and i mean literally eveything. I entered treatment at 82 lbs and I left treament at about 98 :)After lunch then was ether free time for some, some had time with a preacher like person like a guidance counselor but you discuss religion and your higher power, and then some like for me I had counseling session. At first my counselor and I did not get a long what so ever, actually argued and batted heads the entire time. And then towards the end of treatment we actually started to get along. Treatment for me was an amazing experience I made a lot of friends in treatment and made friends with a lot of the staff and I learned so much about my self. Valley Hope honestly saved my life if I would not of decided to go I would probably be dead. I was lucky and everyday am thankful that God was with me the entire time that I was on the streets thinking and actually believeing that I knew what I was doing, thinking that I was smart on the street; when in acutality I could of been killed multiple times and raped, and by the grace of God he got me out of each situation some how. There was actually a situation- by the way before I went to treatment for about 1 week I had a friend of mine who had never done Meth or Adderall in her life with me we were at her friends house actually they were messing around and I was tired of feeling like a third wheel and felt like getting high so i called my dealer-friend and told him what was up and he then strolled thru with his friend and we drove around a bit I bought a teener- sorry I bought almost 2 ounces after already doing about that for myself well anyways then I got dropped back off to the apartment where my friend and her friend where and I was about to leave again and go to a party called a "dope party" where you do nothing but get high the entire time thats all everyone does and before I left with my friend-dealer my friend is like dont leave me without some so I decided to leave her a little shake-which is little pieces of dust and sometimes very small fragments of crystals that are in the bottom of the bag and she is like what do i do with this how do I do it I said you snort it and then I left. I returned at about 7 am I left her at the aparment about 2am , once I returned she was very upset because she had gotten high for the first time and I had left and they did it all and had nothing left so I gave her two adderall, which I knew whould hold her off a little bit longer. we then had to leave her friends house to go and try to get some more money to get some more dope to hold us off a little bit longer until we could figure out how to get more. I knew of a friends house where we could get more adderall without having to pay for it or have to do anything else for it.  We got about 15 adderall from him split them up and took them all we then went trying to find something to do went to her friends house that was down by the jail because I thought that was convient beccause the con artist counsin was in there and I was visiting him everyonce in a while and then so we decided to go to his house we hung out there drank quite and bit and then started to get bored I called my friend dealer and long story short my friend and I went with him and his friend and my friend about got raped and i interviened as if i was a man hitting this man while he was driving down the road as if I was 6 foot tall and 200 lbs and then I was able to get her out of the truck at a stop light safely and then I had to jump from the truck going about 15 miles an hour I know that might not sound fast but it was fast enough to frcture my elbow but mychin to where I should of gotten stitches and should of just went to the hospital but i didnt feel a thing, only figured out something was wrong when we went to mcdonalds to go to the bathroom and people were staring at us i then went to the bathroom and noticed the blood from both my chin and my elbow. This was just one situation where we were extrememly lucky wer could of easily both been raped and killed or what would of happened if we couldnt of gotten out of the truck where would we be today, I swear I had an angel sitting on my shoulder it was like God was right there with me. And everyday I am thank ful that he chose to give me one more day and help me out of all of that so I could learn and live to tell my story and to help people who might be struggleing with issues similar to mine.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dear You,

Listening To: "I'm Not An Addict" by K's Choice
To better understand my mind set you can listen to it if you would like to the left if you cant get that to play then- just youtube "im not an addict" (its amazing)
Im going to start by telling you that I have a lot on my mind tonight I logged in having nothing and then watched a few of my videos on youtube that just slam memories and thoughts into my heard so i warn you ahead of time but I promise to connect it and tie it alltogether in the end :) I have decided each thought and things of that sort are goin to be by color sorry crazy mind i know,,,,but hopefully it will help someone out there that needs help like me....there is hope.... thank you again for following me in one of my hardest and longest journies of my life>>>

Entering into treatment I never really realized how many people that I have hurt in my life...or is it that I didnt care, im still not sure. I have lived a life in addiction, regret, greed, disgrace in my self is the one thing that I feel looking back on the person I was while I was using and the things that I have done and the people that I have hurt. Sad to say that some of the people that I have hurt in my life I dont even know them nor there what a person I used to be....

Dear You,
Remember when you use to speak to me and all I would do is have a tone in my voice say screw you, throw up the finger and walk wasent because I was mad at you its because I was not my self. I lived without a conscience living from high to high....all i want to do is let you know it was never you it was me,,,and tell you that im sorry and that i never meant to hurt you.....
The Addict In Your Life

The feeling of being alone since I have been in sobriety is one that is extremely overwhelming; that and my cravings are what is the hardest. Of how I miss the feeling of chasing my pain away in just a few quick short seconds....

I have so much going thru my head right going to leave you with something that keeps me going strong and its a poem that many have heard that have ever experienced problems with crystal meth,,,,its helped me its just right now im having a hard time with my addiction at this very second while thinking about old times while high; i just dont think that i could say anything that would give any hope or inspriation right now. So until tomorrow.....
You may or may not know me.
I destroy homes.
I tear families apart,
I’ll take your children and that is just the start.
I’m more precious the diamonds, more valued then gold.
The sorrows I bring are a sight to behold.
If you need me I’m easily found
I’m all around you in every city and every town.
I live with the rich I live with the poor.
I live down the street even next door.
I’m made in a lab just not the kind you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
I can be made in the closet or in the woods.
If this doesn’t scare you to death it certainly should.
I have many names but one you’d know best
My name is Crystal meth.
My powers are awesome just try me and see.
Try me twice and your soul will belong to me.
Once I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie
You’ll do what it takes just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for the high and fame
Will be worth millions once I get in your veins.
You’ll lie to your mom and steal from you dad,
When you see their tears you won’t even be sad.
You’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,
Once I teach you my worthless ways.
I’ll take your friends, your control, your pride,
But I’ll always be with you right by your side.
You’ll give up your friends, your family, your home,
When you run out you’ll be all alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take till there’s nothing to give,
And when I’m through you’ll be lucky to live.
You can try me for fun but I’m no game.
Giving the chance I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll give you nightmares while you lie sweating in bed.
I’ll be the evil voices inside you head.
You shouldn’t have tried me how many times were you told?
But you challenged my powers how could you have been so bold?
You couldn’t say no, and just walked away.
If you could do it all over again what would you say?
I’ll be you master you’ll be my slave.
Don’t fear being lonely I’ll walk with you to your grave.
I’ll show you more pain then your deepest betrayal
So come take my hand as I lead you to HELL.
author: UNKNOWN

Just know that your not alone, I have been inrecovery since sept 30, 2009 is my sobriety datel and to this date I suffer daily and sometimes hourly but just know that it does get easier and there is hope. YOUR NOT ALONE,,,,

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Dont Pity Me and the life I have lived, but learn and grown from it as I have :)

"Old Friends & Old Playgrounds" I first learned this saying while I was at Valley Hope(the treatment center that I attended)...i know that the saying well not the saying its self but the meaning of the saying has helped me the most. I have to keep reminding myself of it first in my sobriety i did an amazing job of cutting all ties with my past and starting over but then as time has passed its been two years i have slowly started to run into the people from my past one by one; and just have to remember that there is a reason there in my past, and have to make myself remember what kind of me that they brought out in me.
I guess before I can start talking about whats helping me in treatment I need to remind myself of what kind of HELL that I have came from; to remind myself that if I fail its not only me failing i will let down everyone and my past could easily become my present again.
In highschool I was a pretty good student got descent grades and well just say that I was not the worst kid in the school. Anyways I made a few friends and never really got into anything to deep drug and alcohol wise...I experimented with pot and i drank at the ocasional party, but nothing life shattering. I went to church on the holidays and sometimes on a sunday with my dad but rarely never really went unless I felt like I had to or I would make someone upset. All through highschool I spent the entire time just trying to get it finished and get out. My senior year wow...ummm I moved out, stopped talking to my mom for about a year because of the way i deceitfully moved out, got pregnant-had a miscarriage, graduated, had a FT job and was taking night classes--was in a horrible relationship and in that relationship tried meth for the first time. I honestly thought No biggy only was doing it on some weekends. We had a rule never do it for more than one day in a row we only did it to party; and we wouldnt do it every weekend.  I got out of that relationship a year later when I moved in a female friend of mine, the drugs werent as heavy but we lived in a house together over the summer it was nothing but PARTY, PARTY, PARTY the only real access I had to any sort of drugs was pot again and never really was a huge fan, but then I found out that I could get adderall- something I had no idea about. I started takeing those one at a time, and then about 6-8 a day (when if you know anything about adderall you take one aday just saying).So i was then drinking and taking adderall- without a job, dropped out of night classes, no healthy relationships around me what so ever, still not a whole lot of family interaction and didnt really care we were partying everyday everynight all the time. I think that I can honestly say that I was drunk and high the entire summer. The summer shortly ended we both got evicted from the house for excessive partying and the cops being at the house to many time and damages done to the property, but it didnt matter i soon found a relationship, another failed relationship but no drugs constantly but lots of drinking, lots and lots of drinking and doing a bit of adderall on the side, in this relationship we would break up constantly so I would do adderall and doing meth heavily to pass the time when we werent together. My dealer was a friend of mine that no one knew about bascially, older person; that I could call on whenever I needed to for dope or anything illegal. So since no one knew my friendship with this person it was easy to hide no one had a clue.That relationship ended shortly later and then I began stripping for money, for shelter, drugs, alcohol and anything else that I needed; and then shortly after I met the biggest mistake of my life- this guy was the con of all cons nice and sweet when in actuality he was nothing but a meth and cocaine abuser and then oh wait there was his love for crack, but wait i forgot to tell you he was a raging alcoholic as well. We werent together for very long but when we were that just put gasoline on the fire of my addiction and adictive behaviors. At first I was not doing anything but drinking heavily in this relationship to mask my pain and then found out he was cheating on me constantly and was out for days and nights at a time and then began the phsyical beatings- he would cheat and be out all night and I would get upset and I would yell and cry and tell him I didnt need this and that i would leave if he wouldnt careful and then I would get my ass beat. Then I found out what he was doing and it was either partake in this behavior or move on and of course me being me at the time trying to fix everyone and make everyone else happy i decided to partake. I then began framiliar with the only doing it on  the weekends and never two days in a row rule came back in to my life and that stayed for a good few months.  But then he went to jail for a few weeks and my addiction was hungry, I had no money for anything no food, no gas to get anywhere nothing, I couldnt even pay rent.  I was then in no time robbing people, stealing, getting into physical altercations; and then realized that I didnt need him anymore and started browsing my old friendships looking for my next high, nothing sexual just make them think that they had a chance so i could use them for everything they had. The con then got out of jail and then I found out that I was pregnant. In telling him that I was pregnant I have never seen anyone run faster. Then it was me living in an apartment wih no food, no furniture nothing to my name but my clothes, I literally had nothing. I got evicted.(information on that preg will come later when im ready to talk about it) sorry!!!Then things got the worst (i know that your thinking worse damn how much worse could it be) oh but it does. The con artist/drug abuser ended up going to jail again...I then met the con artists cousin now I honestly think that he was the devil in disquise everything in my entire life that I swore that I would  never do ever, I did- either guilted into, forced to do because if not i had consquences.Every relationship that I have been in has been phsically abusive but in this relationship that I was in I was in constant fear of my life. He had killed people, been to prison many times for many things  ranging from drug trafficing, posession,domestic battery and attempted murder .The word crazy does not explain him- at one point in time he told me that if I left him he would (grabbing my 6 week old puppy) held a screw driver into its temple and said i will shove this thru his f*******head if you take another step, and then my puppy was thrown across the rv we were living in and I was shoved to the ground and then peed on. PAUSING- I need to clarify something or acutally I guess I feel like something needs to be said. Most of this that you will read about in on certain topics has only been told to maybe one other person in my life and some of it are secrets that I have never told anyone but I feel that if I keep holding it in that I will never give my self a chance to heal.Something that is kind of sick about the people that Im talking about up above instead of spitting on them and curseing there name I think that if I ever saw them again I would do nothing more but than thank them. They made me the person that I am today, and by going thru what I have I know what Im willing to put up and what I wont, and how to go about getting away from the situations I dont want to be in and I also now know the warning signs. Dont pity me in hearing about my life, i put myself in everyone of the situations that your hearing about and will continue to hear more of, I chose to live daily in this life, In some situations I could of left and chose not to. So dont pity me and my past, instead learn from it.
Any who back to where I was, this man eventually went back to prison- but before he went back to prison him and his cousin made a decision that would change my life as I knew it forever(get to that on a later time when I feel strong enough to talk about it) he went back to prison for a short time less than a year actally and today both of these men are out on the streets does that not make you feel safe :( (gotta love the justice system) but then I hit Meth and Aderall hard I was having no problem starting and finshing an 8 ball on my own in nothing more than a few hours- before I had went from 6-8 adderall at a time a few years back to 25-38 at a time, in any form I could get them, sometimes I would snort it, smoke it, inject it it did not matter, I lived it, breathed it and filled my arms with it. Its what I had to have to survive, to over come what I had been thru when I felt like nothing else would suffice. Exactly 29 days later is when I volunarily admitted myself in to Valley Hope, but I had to hit rock bottom first, I found myself with out eating or any sleep for 29 days, i was up at the local jail visiting one of the con artist cousins when I found my self barfoot, starving, craving my next fix with nothing but the clothes on my back I had no place to go I was living on the streets. I then called my mom after realizing it was time and told her that I needed help, I needed rehab she was like what she had knew something was going on but not to the extent that it was and then wthin 24 hours i was admitted to Valley hope for there 30 day impatient program.

Monday, December 5, 2011

About Me:

My name is Faith- well to be honest that is the name that I am using for this blog for privacy issues :) When first deciding to blog I was contimplating it because its so public, but to tell you the truth its no more public than a facebook or anything similiar. There are so many things going on in my life but I think first off I think im going to start by telling a little bit about me before I go off on a tangent about my life:) My parents divorced when I was very little, dont even remember them being together just remember them trying to stay as far as they could away from each other and fighting over me. It was rough growing up I have always loved the memory that I have but when I think of a lot of my childhood from way back from when I was 2-5 I remember so many no so happy parents of my life.From 7 up I remember my life that my mother had with my step father and my life with my three older brothers.  My father never dated anyone after my mother until about almost 4 years ago and then he married her a little over a year ago she is very nice, she has two children that I actally went to school with growing up. By my parents I am an only child, my father has no other children and my mother has one daughter that she conceived with my step father when I was twelve and then they adopted my youngest sister when I was 19. I then have 3 step brothers from my mother and step fathers marriage.  I moved out when I was 18 and things changed faster than ever unfortunately in the wrong way but I can honestly say that with everything that has happened in my life I would not change a thing. I have made it through so many different things, somethings people could not even fathom going thru; from multiple miscarriages to drug and alcohol treatment to the death of my best friend in 2005 and living a life from one physically abusive relationship to the next. A lot of what your going to read in my blog is a story of my life and how I personally went thru it and how it has made me stronger, please note that somethings you're about to read are not going to be sugarcoated and might have profanity. I figured I better start by getting to a bit of happier things before I lose ya :) 

 Here is a list of things that I love

<3 Loves <3
  1. first and foremost I love my family
  2. my Lord Jesus Christ 
  3. the very few friends that I have
  4. chinese food but not as much as I love speghetti
  5. the color pink & burnt orange
  6. pickels
  7. STIX
  8. (just noticed this today) folding laundry to clear my head
  9. watching my son coo to him self
  10. the little mermaid the movie
  11. baby Orangoutangs
  12. having my picture taken
  13. taking pictures of my little boy growing big
  1. liars (one of the fastest ways to ruin any kind of relationship with me)
  2. cheaters
  3. people who can not speak there mind
  4. people who dont follow thru with what they say there going to do
  5. CHEESE ( gross story...coming soon)
  6. mushrooms
  7. Katy Perry
  8. vain people
  9. doing dishes by hand :(
  10. vomitting