Listening To: "I'm Not An Addict" by K's Choice
To better understand my mind set you can listen to it if you would like to the left if you cant get that to play then- just youtube "im not an addict" (its amazing)
Im going to start by telling you that I have a lot on my mind tonight I logged in having nothing and then watched a few of my videos on youtube that just slam memories and thoughts into my heard so i warn you ahead of time but I promise to connect it and tie it alltogether in the end :) I have decided each thought and things of that sort are goin to be by color sorry crazy mind i know,,,,but hopefully it will help someone out there that needs help like me....there is hope.... thank you again for following me in one of my hardest and longest journies of my life>>>
Entering into treatment I never really realized how many people that I have hurt in my life...or is it that I didnt care, im still not sure. I have lived a life in addiction, regret, greed, disgrace in my self is the one thing that I feel looking back on the person I was while I was using and the things that I have done and the people that I have hurt. Sad to say that some of the people that I have hurt in my life I dont even know them nor there names.....wow what a person I used to be....
Remember when you use to speak to me and all I would do is have a tone in my voice say screw you, throw up the finger and walk away...it wasent because I was mad at you its because I was not my self. I lived without a conscience living from high to high....all i want to do is let you know it was never you it was me,,,and tell you that im sorry and that i never meant to hurt you.....
The Addict In Your Life
The feeling of being alone since I have been in sobriety is one that is extremely overwhelming; that and my cravings are what is the hardest. Of how I miss the feeling of chasing my pain away in just a few quick short seconds....
I have so much going thru my head right now....im going to leave you with something that keeps me going strong and its a poem that many have heard that have ever experienced problems with crystal meth,,,,its helped me its just right now im having a hard time with my addiction at this very second while thinking about old times while high; i just dont think that i could say anything that would give any hope or inspriation right now. So until tomorrow.....
You may or may not know me.
I destroy homes.
I tear families apart,
I’ll take your children and that is just the start.
I’m more precious the diamonds, more valued then gold.
The sorrows I bring are a sight to behold.
If you need me I’m easily found
I’m all around you in every city and every town.
I live with the rich I live with the poor.
I live down the street even next door.
I’m made in a lab just not the kind you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
I can be made in the closet or in the woods.
If this doesn’t scare you to death it certainly should.
I have many names but one you’d know best
My name is Crystal meth.
My powers are awesome just try me and see.
Try me twice and your soul will belong to me.
Once I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie
You’ll do what it takes just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for the high and fame
Will be worth millions once I get in your veins.
You’ll lie to your mom and steal from you dad,
When you see their tears you won’t even be sad.
You’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,
Once I teach you my worthless ways.
I’ll take your friends, your control, your pride,
But I’ll always be with you right by your side.
You’ll give up your friends, your family, your home,
When you run out you’ll be all alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take till there’s nothing to give,
And when I’m through you’ll be lucky to live.
You can try me for fun but I’m no game.
Giving the chance I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll give you nightmares while you lie sweating in bed.
I’ll be the evil voices inside you head.
You shouldn’t have tried me how many times were you told?
But you challenged my powers how could you have been so bold?
You couldn’t say no, and just walked away.
If you could do it all over again what would you say?
I’ll be you master you’ll be my slave.
Don’t fear being lonely I’ll walk with you to your grave.
I’ll show you more pain then your deepest betrayal
So come take my hand as I lead you to HELL.
Just know that your not alone, I have been inrecovery since sept 30, 2009 is my sobriety datel and to this date I suffer daily and sometimes hourly but just know that it does get easier and there is hope. YOUR NOT ALONE,,,,